Watch Your Back, Loud Guy

Loud Guy, you’re on notice.

It started way back in the summer when I was tanned and freckle-faced and the novelty of having a new job hadn’t yet worn off. Back then it was your ex-girlfriend, the charming lady with a mermaid tattooed on the nape of her neck. The volume of your telephonic arguments earned your moniker and with no evidence to the contrary I had to assume that you are a spineless jackass.

It’s been nine and a half months now, Loud Guy, and I’ve gotten to know you. Sure, mostly through unwittingly overhearing your phone conversations, but you’re not such a bad dude. Spineless, yes (first impressions were correct on that one), hapless, sure, but you’re never intentionally rude. You occasionally share your Women's Wear Daily with D and you generously paid for most of the tab when we celebrated C's last day. You just have volume control issues.

But you’re pushing your luck this month, Broski.

I dealt with your apartment search. Heard you talking to brokers, making plans, discussing bathrooms and bedroom sizes. Then the movers, oh, the movers. Negotiating rates, ordering clothing boxes, and making special arrangements for that one work of art you own. Then the furniture ordering, the eighteen calls to Pottery Barn about your bed delivery. Finally, the home theatre installation coordination. I thought we’d get a little break, but I was mistaken.

Next it was subletting your old place. The same spiel over and over again: the iron gate entrance, the Upper West Side charm, the bedroom on the lower level. And every time you shot yourself in the foot with your nervous banter including phrases like “old facilities” and “not a luxury building.” There is no end in sight.

And now this. You traveled this past weekend, flights were botched, late, and missed, and luggage was misrouted. You’ve been on the phone for four days repeating your travel woes to every customer service robot on the other end of misery. Look, lost luggage is a lousy situation, and it sometimes takes a few tries to get a hold of the right person who can help. But Christ Almighty, when you DO get that person on the phone, don’t drop the line to pick up another call because you WILL NEVER get him or her again. You might just be the least competent phone call maker on the planet and if I have to hear one more time about how the flight to Seattle was delayed so you were rerouted to Philly I can’t reasonably be held accountable for my actions. On the third loop of the story this morning I actually had to walk away to avoid saying something regrettable.

This is your final warning, Loud Guy. HR is sucking up to me hard these days because they want me to take on yet another boss (that would bring the tally up to five if you’re keeping track) and I think I could parlay that into a bargaining chip to get you relocated. I hear the Nice Hedge Fund office in Istanbul has some open real estate.