Math is Easy but History is Tough

Bad news, potential lovers: I canceled my fitness dating site membership today. Gone baby gone. They make you check off a reason for cancellation and one’s options read like some poor break up excuses: “I met someone on the site,” “I met someone off the site,” “I’m getting back together with a past boyfriend/girlfriend,” “I’m too busy for dating right now.” I went with “I want to avoid automatic update,” so I’m not sure what that says about my break-up style. That I’m a liar? There wasn’t a “This site sucks because 98% of the dudes who email me are undateable and if I want to see a lot of shirtless boys I’ll just cruise the Abercrombie & Fitch catalog” option. Ok, so lesson learned. If I ever start thinking that internet dating is a good idea, please someone redirect me to these posts. Kthxbai!

Coach G gave me a ton of (deserved) crap for being on the site, naturally. Through our joking around, we’ve theorized a formula that all dating sites should employ to some extent. It looks something like this:

(Compatibility/Distance)^Alcoholic Beverages Consumed = Quality of Date

Then, if you make it past a few dates and find yourself teetering on Relationship Territory (dun dun dunnnn), the formula to use morphs into:

(Compatibility/Distance)^Salary of Partner = Quality of Relationship

Clearly, distance is a key quotient in the dating world, especially when we’re talking about new beginnings.


Anyway. My weekend was fun and busy with running and hanging out with friends. R and I had a slightly awkward but overall okay post-breakup hang out on Saturday afternoon at The Met. I felt the urge neither to smack him nor kiss him – he was just a guy I used to know hidden behind an ill-advised I Work In the IT Department goatee. Note to self: have all future reunions with ex-boyfriends in museums. No eating is involved. You don’t have to talk much. You don’t even have to be in the same room at all times! And when you get bored you can convince yourself that you’re bored by him, not the huge building full of old stuff and European tourists. It’s genius for this not-quite-ready-to-be-friends stage.

Now, as some of you may have gleaned, I hate my job. It's boring. I have four bosses and zero responsibilities. I'm in it for the free lunch, health insurance and inflated salary but my tolerance level is waning. Oh wait! Remember how sucky my life was when I worked for ARM? I think I've blocked that entire year from my memory. Good thing I wrote all about it so I can remind myself that no matter how bad this job is, that one was worse!

And so...

On This Day In ARM History:

On Fridays I try to look nice. I have two reasons: one, I frequently go out right after work for drinks and/or dinner, and two, The Coffee Email.

From: ARM
Sent: Friday, February 23, 2007 8:43 AM
To: ARMAssistant
Subject: French roast decaf
----------------------

He sends this from his BlackBerry during the staff meeting, which he leads. Some weeks he will type out the entire phrase including verbs. Sometimes he writes “please” or “thanks” (rarely) and occasionally he writes it in the body text rather than the subject line. There are rhetorical variations on a theme, but the gist remains the same: bring me coffee, woman.

Now I’m no shrinking violet. Walking into a room full of men and having all eyes turn to me doesn’t faze me. Maybe it's my inherent Gen Y pseudo-feminism that makes me hate doing this. I just…I can feel the sympathy in their gazes when I interrupt the meeting each week. I know what they're all thinking, and it's something between "Man, her job sucks" and "I wish I had an assistant to bring me coffee right about now because this meeting sucks." The second I turn the door handle The Redness takes hold and I instantly regret that my idea of “looking nice” generally involves V-neck sweaters that clearly accentuate my splotchiness. One day I’m going to bring in two coffees, and deliver the second unsolicited cup to one of The Analysts. (I’m calling you out, Analyst N. You still have time to get back on my good side.) Then I’ll wait outside the door to listen for ARM to explode. I think I’ll save this Brilliant Plan for my last day at Private Equity Firm and really go out with a bang.