Love Letters from Meatheads

Happy Valentine’s Day, lovers!

I’m wearing a pink sweater and pink bracelets from SisterOh’s jewelry line. I have my heart earrings in, my heart ring on my finger, and two heart necklaces around my neck. Perhaps I’ve gone too far…whatever, I love any holiday punctuated with food, pretty stationary, and the color red. My sugar cookies have been a big hit in the office so far, though if this were Private Equity Firm they’d be gone by now, those guys were vultures. The guy from whom I order Easy’s breakfast every morning sent me a long-stemmed red rose along with Easy’s usual egg white omelet and coffee, and I can’t decide if that’s adorable or sad. Let’s just go with adorable.

We’re bored like crazy over here at Nice Hedge Fund. I’m folding red paper into origami hearts, Receptionist C is making a cute Valentine card for her boyfriend, and D is finishing her fashion school homework. Silly creative-type Admins, why are we toiling away at a finance company? But since it’s Valentine’s Day and I’m in a loving mood, I thought I’d share with you a sampler of messages that I’ve received from the fitness dating site. As you may have gathered, I lost interest in it after about a week. Sure, I’ve exchanged messages with a few seemingly cute and charming dudes, but sifting through the crazies, olds, and weirdos to find them is pretty tiring. For your webular entertainment, I’d like to introduce you to one of my biggest fans, my most determined would-be suitor. Brief bio: he’s a divorced 43-year-old "advanced weight lifter" who lives in Nevada, he considers himself an “extremely outgoing, optimistic, and passionate guy,” keeps to a high-protein diet (read: bad breath), and takes home a salary of over $100,000. Such a keeper! Oh, and he’s on the prowl for ladies between the ages of 28 (which I am not) and 36 – what’s the male version of a cougar?

So the following are excerpts from emails he’s sent me, with no response. The increasing desperation level is fascinating to observe. The first email starts out normal enough. He opens with a compliment, then turns it back to himself – very smooth. But a quick look at his profile and pictures sends him straight to the “no” bin:

“You definitely seem like one of the more exceptional women on this entire website. Your great smile tells me you're a lot of fun to be around and that you could probably appreciate my great sense of humor.”

He tries again:

“As you may know, I just tried to IM you and didn't get through. Now just in case you thought you needed some extra time to prepare long and loving IM responses for me, it's not necessary....I'm actually a pretty laid back, easy going guy.........Hmmm.......perhaps you're getting a lot of IM requests all at once and it's probably kind of hard trying to figure out who to respond to first ....that's ok, I can wait...I'm also very patient.”

Ooh, patient and dense, just how I like ‘em. I’m wise to the “decline instant message request” option by now.

“Hi Miss Fitness Singles 2008 "Catch of the Year" Candidate…And by the way, if there really were such a contest going on right now it wouldn't really be very fair to the other female candidates ya know......seems like they just might not have much of a chance competing with you.”

I’m not even on the top 25 viewed profiles list (yes, such a distinction exists!) because I am unfortunately lacking in the fake tits category.

“Well I've been trying to figure out what's wrong with those NY guys to let you slip right past them like this and I came up with a couple of theories. Could it possibly be that all the guys who happen to have a secret “crush” on you are just afraid to approach you because they’re too intimidated by you, thinking you’re probably just a little too picky? Orrrr maybe they’re afraid they’ll find themselves suddenly captivated by your charms, helplessly trapped head over heels in the web of your magical spell?”

He’s not done yet.

“Hey, just because you can be pretty stubborn that doesn't mean I'm going to stop pursuing you..... [Ed note: Creepy!] Listen, I know that you're pretty young and all age-wise but as far as I can tell most girls your age would prefer to go to a bar or club, do drugs, and drink a lot and I get the impression you're not like that (now if you're really a devil in disguise just be sure to let me know now, okay?) The thought of meeting a great "quality" guy for something special doesn't even seem to enter their heads. And there's something else too....and I really mean what I'm about to say. I have this uncanny ability to be able to just look into someone's eyes and read a lot about one's character (I hope this doesn't sound too cliche but it's totally true). The very first moment I saw your photos I saw something that I really liked about you, whether it was your adorable smile or the sincerity in your eyes, but there definitely was no doubt in my mind that we could have some incredibly great chemistry together......I'm thinking sparks constantly flying, earth shaking, once in a lifetime "off the chart" chemistry!

“You'd have to be insane not to see what I'm talking about here!!!!!!!!!!”

A rather fitting use of that word “insane,” I’d say. Well hello there, “block member” option. Pleasure to meet you.