And Now It's Burned on Your Brain, Too

Sweet Jesus, as C would say.

Today is a very sad day around Nice Hedge Fund: C’s last day. She’s leaving me, and I have no idea how I’m going to survive the increasingly painful workday without her. Who is going to throw stuff at me and D when we’re being to0 quiet? Who will encourage terrible lunch decisions usually involving massive quantities of bread and cheese products? Who will tell me about her ridiculous sex dreams with a particularly hot Nice Hedge Fund executive? The Temp filling in for her is pretty cool, but she’s no C. I might cry.

Her going away drinks were yesterday after work, but I couldn’t make it because of running class. I got home around 8:45 and was all set to heat up some leftovers and watch a movie with NewNew Roommate M when I got a message from C that they were still out drinking and had relocated to a bar two blocks from my apartment. Being the Year of Yes, my choice was clear. So we changed out of our pajamas and joined the very drunken party for pitcher upon pitcher of margaritas. C was out of her mind, Loud Guy was even louder than usual (but a lot of fun, he’s kind of growing on me), and NewNew Roommate M proved herself to be a kickass partner in crime. Around 11:30 a man on his way out of the restaurant stopped over to our table and said sarcastically, “I hope you all feel GREAT tomorrow.” Maybe we were a little rowdy? C retorted with something really ladylike about his old balls, but that guy might have gotten the last laugh because we were all a little hurty this morning. Nothing a burger, some ibuprofen and an IV drip of Vitamin Water can’t fix! Oh, I’m really going to miss C.

Ok, enough sappiness. Flirting! Ego boosting! Creepy old men! Internet Dating!

So once you’ve struck the perfect balance between informative and intriguing on your profile, Fitness Dating Site prompts you to upload up to 16 photographs of yourself. The profile picture is a crucial element to internet dating, obviously, so a well-chosen shot goes a long way. There are four areas to cover in your photo album: Headshot, Action, Dressed Up, and of course, Sexy. None of these should be professional photographs unless you are, in fact, a professional photographer. Crop out others, especially if they are better looking than you, and avoid cell phone pictures that you take of yourself in the mirror because that just looks stupid. And dudes, everyone has been to Hooters so save the shots of you with a hot chick on each arm for your personal collection. My primary picture is my Sexy shot – smiling, tan, wearing a bikini on the beach. I used a picture of me running the Sea Isle City 10 Miler for Action shot because this is Fitness Dating Site and you have to prove that you are as athletic as you claim to be. I added my Dressed Up picture a little later than the others (wearing a black dress AND makeup!), but I think it’s helpful to show your potential dates that you clean up well after you sweat like a maniac. Four photos should cover you, a few more won’t hurt, but at least upload one, guys. None of this “Email me to see my photos” bullshit. This isn’t a game show, I don’t want to see what’s behind door number one. This is internet dating, and I want instant gratification. Uploading 16 photographs makes you seem narcissistic and desperate, and frankly, I’m concerned about someone who actually has sixteen flattering photographs of himself. Quality over quantity here, folks.

And, if I may invoke C yet again today, SWEET JESUS don’t send this to someone with the note, “Trading bikini shots – hehe!!!"

Did...did he photoshop the Speedo on? I can't quite tell, it looks a lot darker than the rest of the contrast, but I can't look at this picture for more than two seconds before I simultaneously laugh and die a little inside. Internet dating - not for the faint of heart. Or the dignified, apparently.