"Four Be the Things I'd Have Been Better Without: Love, Curiosity, Freckles and Doubt"

I was so bored at work today that I signed up for the GRE. Just in case taking the LSAT didn’t suck enough, I’m back for more standardized agony. Maybe next I can take the MCAT and really cover all of my bases. I also ordered a book about Creative Writing MFA programs. For some unknown reason, most of the MFA programs that I’m interested in flippantly require a GRE score. They throw it in there with the list of admissions requirements, but without any guidelines for what kind of score they want. Writing samples, letters of recommendations…oh, by the way, you also need to take this obnoxious four-hour test that costs ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY DOLLARS and involves MATH. Look, I can guarantee that none of my creative writing will require the hypotenuse of this triangle. The positive square root of integer x will never be the defining character trait in my bildungsroman. How about this: I promise that I'm not a complete moron, and then we can just skip the whole ordeal, okay? I haven't taken algebra since the ninth grade. Crap.

See, I don't entirely lack a Life Plan. I know exactly what I want to be doing: writing and teaching college-level creative writing. What I actually lack is a kick in the butt to make me go for it. Volunteers?

The truth is I’m terrified of failing.

There isn’t a whole lot of guess work in becoming a lawyer. You go to school, study hard, get a job, work hard, and eventually retire. I’m not saying it would be easy, but as a hard-working, reasonably intelligent person I think I could succeed in that career path. I also think I would be intensely dissatisfied.

Being a writer requires Talent with a capital T, which can be harnessed, honed, but not taught. Hard work isn’t enough. I don’t know if I have what it takes, and there’s always the underlying fear of failure.

I don’t quite know what’s gotten into me lately, but I feel braver and happier. As a child (okay, teenager, too), I was a total wimp. Simple tasks like calling Domino’s for pizza gave me an anxiety attack because I was afraid someone would ask me a question to which I didn’t know the answer. Going to undergrad in New York City was probably the best move of my life because it forced me to become self-sufficient. Well now I’ve been here for five years, and I’m comfortable. I’m grossly overpaid to sit at my computer all day and look pretty, I have terrific friends who are always willing to imbibe with me, and I have plenty of time and energy to run and cycle. But I want more; I want the fear.

I'm going for it.

Of course, the great Dorothy Parker quipped, “I’d like to have money. And I’d like to be a good writer. These two can come together and I hope they will, but if that’s too adorable I’d rather have money.”

I'm with her.

Okay. Good talk. See you out there.